On this page you’ll find Valentine party ideas, romantic, Coolest Valentines Ideas, Printables, & Lots More. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. Accessorize! Even though we’ve grown older this wish is sincere Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year. At the end of the year, when I see what’s needed most, I take that shape, like a Christmas ghost. When what to my wondering eyes should appear? The 71-year-old poet, comedian, songwriter and presenter first found fame with an appearance on Opportunity Knocks in 1975. With the same magic that has enchanted her fans for more than four decades, Pam’s new collection is by turns side-splittingly funny, at others so reflective and profound that audiences are moved to tears. Rolled up in Christmas paper The Action Men were tensed, All ready for the morning, When their fighting life commenced, With tommy guns and daggers, All clustered round about, “Peace on Earth – Goodwill to Men” The figures seemed to shout. From the horror of playing host in ‘The Dinner Party’ and complaints about pub tableware in ‘Don’t Put My … Dear Mr. Slater, Dear Girls, Dear Boys, Once a storywriter caught me bringing you toys. From complaints about trendy restaurant tableware in 'Don't Put My Dinner on the Slate!' We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. addService(googletag.pubads()); Are there any suggestions? But lately with the virus here. The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox. There were cookies to bake and lights to string, Gifts to wrap and carols to sing. Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect, “Merry Friggin’ Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!”. Poet Pam Ayres is a bit of a national treasure. googletag.defineSlot('/51987917/Coolest_Holiday_Parties/300x250_5', [300, 250], 'div-gpt-ad-1486975476531-8').addService(googletag.pubads()); I can pass through keyholes, windows and locks, Apartment buildings, hospitals, tents, and trailer lots. })(window,document,'script','https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga'); googletag.enableServices(); But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight, “Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!”. Now speed it up! defineSizeMapping(top_banner_mapping). I love to meet my mates. The comments below have not been moderated. Your email address will not be published. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life. Pam Ayres returns to Sherborne after her highly successful 2017 appearance to talk about her new book of poetry, Up In The Attic, and to sign copies. He told them to make it, and man, like they did! And here’s the reason why: So I can push you out of bed When the baby starts to cry. The parents didn’t know what to say, Christmas vacation was nineteen days away. She says that she wrote them to be proclaimed out loud with gusto. Despite the ensuing backlash over the comments, Trump went on to win the Presidential election in a shock victory over Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton. Your email address will not be published. Taken from the The Works: The Classic Collection 2008. I’ve seen ‘droppings’ before, but never this size fall out of the clouds or down from the sky; Here was something earthly made – a miniature sewer on my roof did lay – the size of a bowling ball the smell of chocolate chip, And over the side of my roof – an awful drip ! Dropped the ball again, Matt? Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! googletag.defineSlot('/51987917/Coolest_Holiday_Parties/300x250_6', [300, 250], 'div-gpt-ad-1486975476531-9').addService(googletag.pubads()); Pam Ayres is celebrated in the UK (and far beyond) as a favourite radio, TV and stage entertainer; it is impossible to read her comic poems without hearing her voice in your head. Pam’s latest book, UP IN THE ATTIC, is published in paperback by Ebury Books on August 6th. Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money See more ideas about poems, funny poems, verses. One year I used a wheelchair in place of my sleigh, Once I was blind and had to feel my way. Subject: Dinner Party Guests Posted by: tezza1551 Date: Nov 04 09 Imagine you are giving a dinner party, and can invite six guests from any era of history. When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). Plus a couple of problems Homepage ... Mick Hucknall, Pam Ayres and Gerald Scarfe. Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny From a doctor who thinks you’re a nervous old granny. On Gateway!” Santa started to squeal! Vaccines minister Nadhim Zahawi fears take-up of Covid jab may be lower among black and ethnic minorities. The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs, While I’m guardin’ the stockin’s and tree. With writer, broadcaster and poet Pam Ayres plus there's Grill Graham with Maria McErlane. Pam Ayres 50 Shades of Grey. Who’s this down the chimney? Now, I knew Santa had looked in his book and he’d found that I’ve been good, but up on the roof what did appear – a ‘special’ gift from a reindeer. I’ve frightened the whole bunch away. Sometimes I have been a she: All these things are a part of me. With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread. Home; Poems. There’s nothing better than a foul weather friend. Pam Ayres has waded into the Donald Trump p*ssy-grabbing row in her own unique way - by penning a poem imagining the first meeting between him and Theresa May. and a series of poems about the hell of long-haul flying, to the poignant 'Up in the Attic', in which Pam is deluged in memories when on the search for an old document, Pam's new collection will tickle and move readers in equal measure. Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again. Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he’d never had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. . She performs her solo stage show throughout Britain and around the world and has a huge fan base in the UK, Australia and New Zealand. I think with these I’ll need some assistance, But I’ll get you the answers with a little persistence.”. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below. by Pam Ayres Will I have to be sexy at sixty? (Written by Pam Ayres) T’was the Internet Night Before Christmas. Accessorize! Friend sent me this. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. Enjoy the laugh! Pam Ayres 50 Shades of Grey. “Well, Parents? You may not believe all this is true, But that’s okay, boys and girls, because . Injured dog owner spends £300 on X-Rays and vets for his limping lurcher Bill- only to learn he was only... Met Police will record the ethnicity of people pulled over in cars under new six-month pilot - amid... Israel is accused of 'racism' by Palestinian PM after excluding 4million people in the West Bank and Gaza... Labour warns it would be a 'profound mistake' to scrap £20-a-week increase to Universal Credit because it... Another 36 migrants including women and children brave ice and snow warnings to make latest crossing from... Britain braces for Storm Christoph: Two months' rain will fall in space of 36 hours when first named weather... Millionaire businessman, 78, says wife, 69, was swept to death in front of his eyes after they drove into... Whistleblowing teacher sacked after revealing naughty children were hidden away on squash courts during... Police fine 15 Scottish sea food truckers £200 each for making 'unnecessary journeys' as they descend on... Minister says economic 'bounce' could help avoid need for punitive tax rises as Rishi Sunak faces fury over... Getting US-UK post-Brexit trade deal before Joe Biden's first term ends in 2024 will be a 'stretch', warns... How faithful is YOUR partner's star sign? I made it some pajamas, And a pillow for its head, Then last night it ran away, But first – it wet the bed! Reading, writing, and enjoying famous Pam Ayres poetry (as well as classical and contemporary poems) is a great past time. Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys. Now Acer!”, my speaker did reel; “On Apple! The stockin’s are safe as can be. To order a copy for £14.99, with free p&p, contact the YOU Bookshop on 0844 472 4157 ( you-bookshop.co.uk ). }); (function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){ Hoodie-wearing Health Secretary plays rugby with his sons as he's seen for... Cyclist coughs and spits at driver as he yells 'I've got Covid!' ', Another added: 'Perhaps, as women often do, She'll not protest too much While tiny hands do damage To everything they touch.'. Out in the frozen countryside Men crept round on their own, Hacking off the holly, What other folks had grown, Mistletoe on willow trees, Was by a man wrenched clear, So he could kiss his neighbour’s wife, He’d fancied all the year. They'll never know the things we did. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. Let’s ask Santa!” Someone called out in a shout. Wedding Poems Wedding Readings Wedding Humor Famous Quotes Me Quotes Funny Poems You Poem Laughing And Crying Monologues. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. Hard luck squire! There’s no stopping you once you’re on a roll. This ain’t the same Santa that I used to know! When up on da roof I heard somethin’ pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, “YO! Don’t get too much sun. Poem Hunter all poems of by Pam Ayres poems. My skin has been black, white, yellow, red, brown; My eyes have been slanted, crossed, and round. It’s Santa Claus.”. Pam Ayres poems, quotations and biography on Pam Ayres poet page. So I decided I better take a look I put up the ladder and climbed to the roof. But now comes the reckonin’ It’s methey are beckonin’ Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth. “Jump onto the circuits! Have no doubt that Santa is real He does come each and every year. build(); build(); '”, “Mr. I'm not going to keep exercising, I'm not going to take HRT, If a toy boy enquires I'll say, "Hah! googletag.defineSlot('/51987917/Coolest_Holiday_Parties/300x250_1', [300, 250], 'div-gpt-ad-1486975476531-4').addService(googletag.pubads()); Nerds? Yeah, you bet. Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise. I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I’ve got But I’m due at my doctor’s for an estrogen shot. They were out of the chute, making time like a bat, Turning the quarter in eight seconds flat. addService(googletag.pubads()); Yes, I'm going to kill my husband, I shall have him to be sure, He's never going to curse my navigation any more. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! Down the chimney, to the living room, He took care of business like a sonic boom; And then I heard a “ho, Ho, Ho “, and I knew off he’d go. He flew back into my screen and through my uplink, Back into the net with barely a blink. var left_side_mapping = googletag.sizeMapping(). The screen gave a flicker, he was into my “Ram”, Then into my room rose a full hologram! And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their rooftops. Avoid yellow snow. Grab them by the p*ssy. I fluffed my pillow and reassured Ma – “Go back to sleep. Saved by Dwain Preston. They hadn’t time to think What Christmas was about, In nineteen more days School would be out! Hedgehogs, poems and Pam Ayres feature in this week's #TeamNorton podload. There once was a little boy so small he liked to make a lot of noise And drove his parents up the wall With all those kinds of toys. Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. “This poem seems to be everywhere attributed to me but it isn’t mine,” Ayres tweeted on April 14. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name; “Now Compaq! googletag.defineSlot('/51987917/Coolest_Holiday_Parties/300x250_2', [300, 250], 'div-gpt-ad-1486975476531-5').addService(googletag.pubads()); I took a double strength garbage bag to the roof and admidst the prints of reindeer hoof; I took my shovel and held my nose Put the ‘gift’ in the bag,and got the hose. “What da heck you doin’ Pullin’ a gun on da Don? ', to a poignant reflection of war in 'Down the Line'and the bittersweet nostalgia of 'Up in the Attic', this new collection will tickle and move readers in equal measure. This parody of the Lord’s Prayer is one of the more original non-religious funny funeral poems. ‘Up in the Attic’ is the brand-new collection of verse from the nation’s favourite poet, Pam Ayres. To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me ‘side da head. No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes No searching for spectacles when they’re right on your nose. He howls and jumps back in his sleigh. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. He hadn’t time to think What Christmas was about, In twenty more days, School would be out! Always put your best foot forward. It’s okay if you’re a little bottom heavy. If they haven't seen us for a while. My guests would be: Florence Nightingale - because i would like to find out more about her inspiration for changing the profile of nursing Mr. Slater looked at twenty pairs of eyes, Twenty children of every shape and size. Pam Ayres is celebrated in the UK (and far beyond) as a favourite radio, TV and stage entertainer; it is impossible to read her comic poems without hearing her voice in your head. And labour conditions at the North Pole were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. And out upon the hillside, Where the Christmas trees had stood, All was completely barren, But for little stumps of wood, The little trees that flourished All the year were there no more, But in a million houses, Dropped their needles on the floor. Pam Ayres was born in 1947 in Berkshire and left Faringdon Secondary Modern School at the age of 15. Stay in touch; Poems. Mr. Dare was the head of the P.T.A., He called for a meeting the very next day. “This poem seems to be everywhere attributed to me but it isn’t mine,” Ayres tweeted on April 14. Taken from You Made Me Late Again! All year long I listen to the news, Read people’s thoughts, see people’s views. Keep it down!”. Choose a poem. I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick. Published: 11:35 GMT, 25 January 2017 | Updated: 11:54 GMT, 25 January 2017. Yes, I’ll … build(); The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste. The church was standing empty, The pub was standing packed, There came a yell, “Noel, Noel!” And glasses they got cracked. My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, As he added the latest version of Netscape. Like he was the squarest, the most absolute, But let’s face it, who cares when he left all that loot? addSize([0, 0], []). The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. All up and down the country, Before the light was snuffed, Turkeys they get murdered, And cockerels they got stuffed, Christmas cakes got marzipanned, And puddin’s they got steamed Mothers they got desperate And tired kiddies screamed. When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! It’s embarrassing when you can’t look down and see your feet. Yeah, you bet. There once was an elf named Fred Whose house was of gingerbread. The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”, As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt —, I said to myself, as I only can “You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”, So–away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip. googletag.pubads().collapseEmptyDivs(); Then Ma awoke to look outside There she saw the terrible sight: Tho not too smart; she DID know that brown is not the color of snow ! I made myself a snowball, As perfect as could be, I thought I’d keep it as a pet, And let it sleep with me. Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money And if we hear a knocking And it’s creepy and it’s late, I hand you the torch you see, And you investigate. From the dubious joy of being an exhausted, panic-stricken hostess in ‘The Dinner Party’ or feelings of unease about pub tableware in ‘Don’t Put My Dinner on the Slate!’, to a poignant reflection of war in 'Down the Line'and the bittersweet nostalgia of ‘Up in the Attic’, this new collection will tickle and move readers in equal measure. addSize([768, 400], [160, 600]). From the dubious joy of being an exhausted, panic-stricken hostess in 'The Dinner Party' or feelings of unease about pub tableware in 'Don't Put My Dinner on the Slate!
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