boyfriend financially supports his family

My bf has made bad financial decisions (according to him) in past and has lost all of his savings and now he is ~ negative $50k. Im also not willing to drain all of my savings when I hope to own a home in the future. He's had to help her out before. How do I explain something to the Girl I am dating? My bf and I have discussed getting engaged within the next few years, which has made me begin to think of EVERYTHING in our relationship - not just the "love" part. The Family/Relationship Equation:Its important to remember that every family has a different set of values and boundaries, but your guy needs to know where his childhood ends and adulthood begins. It's one thing if she lost her job but she works two jobs and blows it on dates and hobbies? As to the second point, that is also a very huge concern - And here's why I say that: 50K in debt due to poor financial decisions and losing savings means he is very, very bad with money. It doesnt really matter what the ins and outs are - a guy thats not sharing the bills for the home you both live in isnt someone that you want to be in a marriage with. All of these things will impact your relationship in addition to easing the obvious financial burden, she says. Don't expect him to be your financial supporter You can't meddle in his financial affairs at this time. IF what he says is even true about them not being able to work, not having savings, and can't get benefits. It's not commendable, it's self-destructive. A man working towards a larger goal or fighting for a higher paying position is a lot different from someone who unreliable, lacks ambition or is lazy, she says. Idk what's with these comments but this is weird to me too. His parents are not citizens (yet) and dont qualify for Social Security. The important thing is to establish what is going to happen when you get married. TL:DR: My boyfriend (M39) (I am F37) of ~1 year has been responsible for his parents financially since their retirements. First, talk to your boyfriend about it. Let me make a distinction of what I am NOT saying here: I am not saying to reassure him. Its important to have alone time, friend time, and hobbies outside of the relationship to allow partners to be excited to come back together and share their stories, says Estes. Did you like this article and find it useful? Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. I feel like most responses are going to say - you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drinkif he's still doing this at 27(almost) then either get over it, or find another man but I can't just get over itand I really want to try to make this work.. if his parents are divorced and she got nothing or his mom is widowed and he is the only child, he might feel guilty or obligated. When I try to talk to him about how living with his mom still is hendering US from starting our future together by footing the bills of her every month - he just says "how? He works long hours/double shifts, cannot attend most of our hangouts with friends, etc and still barely make it to the end of the month. The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness. 1. /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. Spillevinken Do they know about you? It just happened that when one of us was single the other one was not. Its important to have an identity and individuality when in a relationship. Are you the breadwinner in your relationship but feel like your spouse is taking advantage? Now that you know the signs of financial abuse to look out for, you should be able to spot them easily, even within one day! If he doesn't have a plan, he'll never have his debt resolved. Of course, requiring that a man bring home the bacon like Bono is hardly behavior Id condone (make your own moolah, babygirl), but as a woman who has dated the perpetually unemployed, I can tell you that expecting him to have a solid job, work history, and career-plan should be a no-brainer. As for him supporting his ex financially, I don't know if there are children involved, a divorce decree, or if this is just him staying attached emotionally. He told me that when he decided to support his parents he was single and if he gets involve with someone hell asked the other sibling to chip in, but recently when we had the talk he told me that his sibling is not willing to contribute now since they have kids, mortgage etc and cant afford. If he cant, these are important factors to consider, says Estes. You can continue to be naive but you will continually be blamed in this situation. For a woman, she can be unable to commit to paying her bills on time, but she can totally be down to commit to a man for life. Will this be a Red Flag for her? His response was his parents will be able to use social assistance. I am okay with his current financial situation. 2. He Always Takes More Than He Gives. Sure, some couples cope fine. He pays for 85 percent to 100 percent of their rent (which is pretty pricey), and for food, utilities and other costs. I wont do what he did but he went into a business (in his field) with a business partner. His commitment to his parents is like having two college age demanding children that ones has agree to support, only that his situation is relatively permanent. He Only Shows You Affection When You Pay For Things. Do you have any advice? It's ok for her to suck all of his money that is supposed to be saved for OUR future, but the second he sees I don't have as much saved as I had planned previously (still have a good amount) he is very mean and yells at me? I have more in my savings than he does and lately he has been VERY nasty towards me saying things like, "well if you were more motivated and weren't so bad at saving money we wouldn't have to live with my mom anymore" I feel that this is not the case, but he is unwilling to see or except ANY of his faults (another big red flag) How come it is OK for him to give his mom money and cater to her needs/sugar coat EVERYTHING for her..but he is so mean, nasty and down right just hard on me? The more you work on yourself and build self-confidence, the more you can bring to the relationship. It's a fair point. Well break down the latest business and consumer news and insights you need to know every Wednesday. Son is 50k in the red, he needs to prioritize his finances before he has to declare bankruptcy in the future. However, if your boyfriend isn't helping you out financially and you need assistance, there are things you can do to get what you need. Though its admirable that he wants to help his parents, its a sign that they will always come before you and your relationship. Let us know in the comments and feel free to share with any women you think need to read it! This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies. This is a type of financial control, and its definitely a problem. To avoid financial pitfalls stemming from a spouse's bullying behaviour, it is essential to have the money talk before marriage. 101 Hot Date Ideas for Married Couples to Try. You will be able to tell if your husband is using you financially if you notice any of the signs that are listed above. I earn slightly less but dont have many debts or expenses. But others find it changes the relationship dynamic a lot. by Akanksha Agarwal. My boyfriend and I have wanted to move in together for a few years. How come it is OK for him to give his mom money and cater to her needs/sugar coat EVERYTHING for her..but he is so mean, nasty and down right just hard on me? This article aims to explore the unique challenges and opportunities that come with navigating age gaps in relationships. Although it might be difficult to come to terms with the fact that your husband could be financially abusing you, its important that you deal with it straight away, as soon as you confirm thats what hes doing. what zodiac sign is janet from the good place; sam's club cake catalog; forrest county busted newspaper; east greenwich nj public works; entry level graphic designer salary chicago; flash mort acteur; It will never be your job to fix someone else's financial mistakes. and don't want her living with you in a group family situation and consuming a lot of the family budget. He lives in a rented basement for but has rented his parents a nice apartment/condo. 8. The Laundry/Love Equation:OK, so lets be real: anyone with long workdays and a busy social life knows that take-out numbers are called and tube socks occasionally find a home on the floor. I work two jobs, and he works one. Before I met him I was married and my husband left me and . It can be an incredibly difficult situation to deal with, both emotionally and financially when your husband is financially irresponsible. So again, if the man makes more than the woman or vice versa, that's . He's not using our joint savings to pay his family, it's usually his own money, but sometimes he doesn't have it, so I help. It's not always enough simply to tell your husband that he is not providing for you emotionally or financially. I feel his parents are his children though. As mentioned, its often difficult to tell if someone is using you financially. Favoring one child financially disrupts the family balance. To be fair to him, he does buy me flowers, and chocolates and he pays 70% of the time we go out. Although not everyone in debt is irresponsible and should be blanketed as users, if your partner has financial problems and hes using your money to survive, its not good news! Aug 14, 2012, 03:21 PM. Its more important to examine how the two of you work through these issues. However, my boyfriend will still need to support his family. That said, if the only cooking your man does is heating up his General Tsos in a dirty microwave, it may be a sign of something more serious. He makes good money now but his outflow is substantial and lives paycheck to paycheck. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. Ive told him my concerns and he was receptive to them, though neither of us knows what to do next. Thanks. On paying for things at the end of the month, gifts I mentioned to make his life easier, and small other things. Everybody has some kind of situation, and the world is not ideal. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. Your personality influences everything from the way you make decisions to how you respond to challenges and opportunities. PRIVACY: We will never disclose or sell your email address or any of your data from this site. If your boyfriend is in a temporarily bad situationhe lost his job and he's looking for another, or he's putting all his money toward paying off debtthings may be okay. Pick a date you intend to move out and tell him how you feel, that you do not want to live with his mother and you cannot get serious or stay with him if he can't resolve this and be OK with that. If your spouse is using you for your finances, he will ensure that all of the household finances fall back on you. He's moved in with me now, in an attempt to save more money. In the beginning, it did not bother me that much that she lived with us because she was hardly ever at home, so it was like we had the place to ourselves and I did not exactly understand how much she contributed (financially) and how much my boyfriend helped her. As to the first point, I agree he cannot simply abandon his parents and stop paying for them cold turkey when he has himself created that codependency and shows no signs of stopping it. applestorangesJanuary 30, 2012 in Relationship Advice. Dont believe me? She has two jobs (technically), but one is just helping out a family friend water plants at various business offices (so pay isn't that great or stable) and the second job is a part time retail gig (she gets 20 hours MAX if lucky a week)she will complain she has no money and then give away like 10 hours worth of shifts at her retail job because her "back hurts". Shesays an ability to make a long-term commitment gives insight into his value system. This signals that he may not see you as an equal. You do not have to break up yet but you need to get away from this. We have started talking moving in, marriage . Posted August 10, 2016. The issues listed above will provide a great . dudelikewhoa If a grown adult cant live life on a budget and doesnt understand personal finance or expenses, no matter how many times youve explained it and given financial advice, theres something wrong! He was quite aware that the industrial wealth of the great Flemish communes was financially the mainstay of his power, but their very prosperity made them the chief obstacle to his schemes of unifying into a solid dominion the loose aggregate of states over which he was the ruler. He told me he cannot stop supporting them. In a healthy relationship, your partner should never begrudge you for spending your own money, unless youre being reckless with it. They have money, but they don't want to touch it. Manage Settings 1. Thanks for the advice. We worked it out after, but still. Thanks for your advice. 21 pieces of unsolicited advice for you, the brokenhearted. A few really good points, one really good script. $50K of debt is possible to resolve when he finds a better job that can increase his earnings and allow him to aggro-bust through that debt. But did you know that laughter can also have a significant impact on relationships? It's only a 50 pound difference, but he regularly lied to my face regarding it, and that really brought this all to a head. He makes fun of me for having a "sh****y job" but he supports his mother, and he is only 26. He was a national. If he anticipates that mom will live with you guys and you will be supporting her, you can be alerted to that and leave him if that doesn't work for you. Hello, So my boyfriends mother, who is widowed, has refused to work since she got married in the early 1970s/early 1980s. Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents. The blood is thicker than water approach is going to get in the way of your long-term love, warns Estes. When hurt or harm is inflicted, it can be difficult to move past it and continue to build a healthy and happy relationship. We have grown up with fairy tales and romantic comedies that have told us that the ultimate goal in life is to find our true love and live happily ever after. Started Yesterday at 03:44 PM, By Obviously welfare is not a lot of money so he will have to still support them. The long-standing issue #1, however, is his parents' total reliance on him. His current financial situation is because of wrong investments and mostly putting all his savings in one basket, trying to have his own business and spending substantial amounts of money with little success. He uses the words "I'm not going to abandon my family", but they are the ones that abandoned him (boarding school that he hated for years + his mum lives in another country for almost half the year, so he has to look after his brother and sister). By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. And if it all is true it also means he's very under his parents thumb and that's a whole other kettle of fish - have you even met these people? No matter how feminist a man may be, it . They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect - the sticky mother-in-law woes. Id caution your boyfriend against buying his parents a house. Distancing yourself. After reading this article you will now be aware of the signs to look out for if your husband is using you financially. And how unfortunate she feels that his son has to work so hard to provide for them. He was one of the very smart ppl in his program and got his degree in less than 3years etc. In this article, we will explore the double-edged sword of social media and its impact on body image. However, the most obvious sign of financial abuse is if he only shows affection for you and feels attraction for you when youre paying for things, or stays in a marriage with you even though theres nothing left to stay for. He has mentioned resenting his family for always asking for money and me a little for not understanding and for trying to control it. Its not just about financial security, its also about showing that someone is willing to get up every day and do what it takes to take care of themselves and work towards a higher goal.. Well, lets just say they likely arent getting many accolades on the other side, either. Tell him what his behavior towards you makes you feel like and why. If your man is always pushing you to work, whether it be that hes encouraging you to take on extra hours at the office or get more clients, whilst he does nothing to contribute to your life together, its because he wants your income to increase so he can have access to more money. AH!! Yet he buys them tickets (not on regular basis) to visit family and their grand kids (the other sibling), enrolls them in various programs so they dont get bored, and thinks its very normal. Here, women who have done, or are currently financially supporting their boyfriends and husbands explain . | Editorial, Florida man paralyzed by officer who mistook gun for Taser sues, Bucs plan to release running back Leonard Fournette, Base rate hikes approved for Tampa Electric. Can you please share your experience with me? If your guy wants to spend money on himself, he could be using his own money, not yours - thats exactly what his individual earnings are for. And before I go any further, his mom is 53 - she is perfectly healthy and able to work (she goes out every night with her boyfriend). No, Im not talking Todd English-style dishes and floors so clean you can eat off of them (though, both would be nice). Recently the situation has changed. Truthfully, engagement is completely out of the question once he says and does these. You dont have a relationship with his parents, and youre not going to support them. So, I came about to be a relationship advice writer! Then, she will spend money on clothes, her boyfriend, even things for making SCRAP BOOKS - but she does not have enough money to help out with bills? He thought about it for two weeks. Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging YourRelationship? 1. Hes Reckless With Spending Your Money, 5. As for the other relationship issues, I would actually suggest mentally postponing them until you get into a safe . My longtime boyfriend and I are both in our mid-20s. For example, it's quite acceptable for one partner to pay for the bills, but the other pay for . Theyre the ones that cause that gnawing feeling in your gut and leave you wondering if the situation is workable or if its time to walk. Autor de la entrada Por ; hobby horse farms for sale in ontario Fecha de publicacin junio 9, 2022; justin and allison raleigh nc from fat chance en boyfriend financially supports his family en boyfriend financially supports his family I think it's a very real possibility that situation quickly becomes an expectation. However, if your spouse is using you, they will always find a way to change the subject when you bring up finances, or they might even get angry and cause conflict when you try to talk to them about it. 2. It's tough to make an objective, logical decision about how to help your brother or your parents. . I earn more than him (55k),he's on 30k,and we want to buy a house, throw a wedding (we've only said our vows so far) and save for kids. I feel bad when I take advantage of people that are honestly trying to help me, and I know that I'm doing it..I just need to be stronger" A few days later, she is back in our room asking him for more money (that he doesn't have). I told him how unfair the situation is and he said if he gets serious with someone it will change and he will ask his sibling to contribute too. Is this situation fixable, or am I just screwed??? I can see if his mom had a learning or physical disability and didn't have groceries - then you buy mom a bag of groceries or but doling out cash does not help her. But he can't afford to buy me wife things ( he promised to pay for a coat, that I then had to pay for myself as he didn't have the money). My best advice to you is to remember that you are an individual. They are from another country that the exchange rate is horrible. newport beach police chase boyfriend financially supports his family. Its essential that this be a defined amount. Your boyfriend isnt the one who asked me for advice, though. A mans work ethic is a reflection of his character, says Jennine Estes, M.F.T and author ofRelationships In The Raw. He Doesnt Add To Joint Bank Accounts, Only Takes From Them, 13. Social media has become an integral part of modern society, with millions of people using it on a daily basis. His mother is always going to be in the picture and is very financially reliant on him like she is his wife. Additionally, some men may need to be shown the impact that his actions, or his inaction, can have on a person. I struggle financially and my rich boyfriend won't help. boyfriend financially supports his family. Or any other mistakes they make. What you need to hear is some concern for your feelings. Relationship advice for women that is researched-backed and data driven and actually works. Could not load the manifest file. When Its Workable:If your man is a bit shy or a bit of a loner, it doesnt mean you need to dump him. He is a very capable person with good education. Don't wait. Dr. Wendy Walsh's Answer: You've asked two separate questions here. He will borrow from you a LOT. Can't you all find something less expensive? They might not even bring their wallet along with them anymore because they expect you to pay for all of their expenses now. His mindset is and always has been that she comes first and he has not set up boundaries. We are getting serious about our relationship (talking moving in, marriage etc)and I feel VERY uncomfortable (borderline unacceptable) with his commitment. When Its Workable:If your man has recently changed directions, graduated school or been laid off, give him a break. Still, Im a firm believer that all adults should know to make a decent omelette and steak, and they should want to wash the dishes within a few hours of the meal. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. Protect yourself so that his financial instability doesnt affect you or harm you in any way, communicate openly with your significant other and tell him your worries, help him come to his senses, and force him to understand that he has to be more responsible with his money. Both parents used to have decent jobs and incomes when working but did nothing for their retirements. . His income is barely covers his outflow. He Gets Annoyed When You Spend Money On Yourself, 11. Receive weekly tips & tricks to improve your love life. AND he's bad with money and is $50K in the hole from his own bad relationship with money. For the record, I only earn more than him while I'm loccuming, and that means no sick pay or holiday. He has stood by my side through the very rough cancer diagnosis and my recovery.Two years ago, when I victoriously beat cancer, we went away for an idyllic beach . His point is that he can do whatever he wants with his money after we've contributed to the shared pot. Love is sweet but it's sweeter if the two parties support each other financially . So, without further adieu, lets get into it! Family-oriented includes spending quality time together, celebrating with one another, and supporting each other. But I dont want this to put a permanent stop to our hopes for our relationship or cause him even more financial stress. His income is barely covers his outflow. We know each other from many years ago in college. if mom walks into their bedroom while they are in there asking for money, the boundaries stink. Of course, most couples choose to still keep personal accounts, but they will have a joint account to save money for bills every month. Many times, men don't realize that their girlfriends are in need because they aren't vocal about it. He doesn't seem to admit that he needs to stop helping his mom and as long as he's putting his money out there for the taking, she is going to continue to take advantage as long as she can. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. We have had the talk and I told him how I feel about his parents dependance on him. We had sort of a chemistry going on. Our son struggled with some mental-health issues in high school. ( I found out yesterday, and am really upset he lied to me) Sometimes they ask for more on top (another 100) and we give them that too. SO - here comes the second part of my dilemma: he has been giving ME a hard time about how much $ I have in my savings account. You 2 are young able bodied kids just starting your careers. I come off controlling, and he comes off like he can't prioritize me. It's not you're trying to push all of your anger off onto my mom." That leaves me to contribute the rest, about $3000 for rent, food, and utilities. People at any age can learn better money management, to not indulge themselves with treats like a child and then not pay bills. We met 3 years ago (on tinder), and got married 4 months ago. But you're not obligated to financially support him. Overall, this man shows me his good attitude and actions outside of money matters. If the mom truly has financial issues that stem from emotional problems, i could see whre he would say "we will give mom $150 a month for x amount of time" or whatever, but she shouldn't be treated like his wife or child being doled out money.

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