difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

It didnt start out this way but 3 months into the relationship something changed. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. I know you cant just switch off your memory and forget all the pain that was brought upon you, and as frustrating as that is, its a friendly reminder that I needed the pain in order to grow. But. You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. "If you find yourself avoiding someone you have previously been close to, reflect on what happened the last time you were together, or even further into the past," Habash said. Im ususally the one trying to drag things out by conveniently forgetting that he was the one who used to nearly ignore me in the hallway, not call for days and then expect a hot night of sex,only to be gone the next day and not call again. I hate having to tell people about the split, and expose myself to their judgements but I try not to worry about it, after all they were not married to him. Anyway, sorry to get all Biblical on yall (came from an unlikely source, eh ladies and fellas? I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. also, sending hugs and love your way. What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. Having gone through 30 days of NC with my neighbour who literally lives eight feet away from me, across the hall, I kept falling back into how much I must have hurt him by rejecting him. It didnt try to forgive him, I got on with life and it just happened. You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. Listen to it. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. I used to watch his house so that I would know when he went out, or who visited. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. You have to do whats necessary to protect you! The difference in these recent EUM situations I was in, is that I never got emotionally invested. Are you worthy of the air you breathe? You are right that God didnt say were are to be chumps and Jesus isnt one, either. Vindication? I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things. Sad but true. Grace Thank you. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. He told me quite a lot about himself and his issues. The one who hurt them is "the enemy." It beats being vulnerable. Thank you Natalie. Probably a Narc, with more baggage than an airport. Have I forgiven them? The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. If we take a good hard look at where we have even reasonably decent relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, theyre not with people who rely on us having selective amnesia, who dont bear the responsibility for making right on something that theyve said theyll do after theyve erred, who dont keep trying to push the Reset Button, and who dont keep using the past as a weapon on us. All of this led to a fight and unremitting denials about his perceived drug use before he drove off. For me, its BAD men. Wondering how to escape a narcissist, be very careful. The thing is, And what Ive learned I dont want any part of a negative past back in my life. I FB-stalked someone who lived miles away. How does forgiveness work when one is no longer in contact with them? And I had parental issues I was trying to solve through him. Thats how people meet. But he didnt make chumps. Nonforgiveness is to build a dreadful . ", When you think about them, your feelings are negative, "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at, told INSIDER. 100%. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you, Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. I believe his overtures to get together and willingness to have a conversation are just another attempt to hit the reset button as I allowed him to do after varying lengths of attempted NC in the past. So she knows whats really going on. Better late than never! No more contact. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. Ill let you know how it goes. Thats very sad when we have to protect ourselves from a parent. To provide you with the most relevant and helpful information, and understand which Now if I were to ask you, your advice, on a friend who is funny, nice, who takes me out biking (best positive activity i have done for eons) BUT who goes on about women as if they are meat, who talks to me in one glance, but then is always looking at other women or scantily clad women on the tv, with another glance, who i catch checking my body parts out regularly, and unashamedly, who makes his hugs last a lil too long (yak) who is now using his biking knowledge and lending me a very decent bike as his control lever to keep going out with him (I am saving for my own fucking bike thanks, mate) and that I just have this uneasy, queasy feeling of being leched upon, and that I just want to untangle myself from him, and his unfolding character .would you tell me Im just making it a bigger deal than what it is, and to stay and just reaffirm my boundries of friendship only? It isn't always easy to forgive but remembering the forgiveness we have received from God makes it possible. I at first could not believe what was happening and thought something must be terribly wrong with me if I feel possessive/territorial about my friends. Don't be afraid to ask for some space or take a step back before continuing the conversation. Your explanations about why something is inconvenient, or abusive, goes in one ear and out the other. Click here for an email preview. I felt wrongly safe in that I saw the way he was with women, and like you I found it was so excessive and crazy that it couldnt be serious, that it was an act to draw attention, that he was just being playful and enjoyed seeing my shocked/blushing faces, etc. Hmmm. Im the same. =), Tink,JustHer & Courtney. When we met he said he wanted a life partner a serious relationship! Thats when it becomes a real wake up call, when your kids know better than you do. It isnt rationalizing it all away by thinking the persons bad childhood is the reason the person is a bad person. We also stand to lose an opportunity to learn from who weve been at different points in our life because we keep squashing down truths out of fear of looking bad and even a sense of guilt that we remember something. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by bitterness or a sense of injustice. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. I am deeply sorry for what you are going through,and although you dont know it now you can survive and pop out the other end of the dark tunnel into a new and better light. I was so wrong. 4th ed. "We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. Im just searching for some truth. What a bullet you dodged. Youve already been supportive to me and I really appreciate it from you and all the others. Love made you and love freed you, so never think that it is not meant for you.. Dont make excuses for this idiot! Its not there. When you hold grudges, it is not possible to heal your emotional pain. This time. Thats what happened. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. My story in short: Met my AC 3 years ago, and over the course of our on-off relationship what I found the hardest to handle was that he was cozying up to all my close friends, and appropriating my family of friends as his own. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger. If he could correct his situation he would and I know he feels worse about it than I do. I would love you to write a post on this Nat. It is just getting through the days, not checking phone, email etc. Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. I am thinking he cheated on me and still has someone in his life and that is why he is not contacting me. They can seem like two different states of mind. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) 2023 Copyright 2019 Reach Out Recovery, Inc. All Rights Reserved. But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. So I relented. Like my mother for example? Avoid judging yourself too harshly. That means behaving in their ultimate best interests. I respect your privacy and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. Even if you think you are not good enough for love or that you dont deserve love, know that the moment true love is revealed to you will be the very moment you could live in for eternity. I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him. He had told me he and his very long time gf had broken up. The flow on from that was years of self inflicted low self esteem because, although part of me could see how silly and unintelligent the people I went to school with were (are! If anything ever went wrong in our relationship, I would do ANYTHING to make it better. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is. These feelings fester in a vacuum, squeeze them out by filling your time and attention with other things. We are not designed for serial monogamy or it wouldnt hurt so much when we break up. Seriously, I know I just have to continue my resumed NC as that is the adult way to demonstrate my values and boundaries. When it gets to close 4 comfort they disappear into the night. If you're unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then you're probably harboring a grudge. the unsubscribe link in the e-mail. With all of my relationships Im the same way. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. If you are a Mayo Clinic patient, this could Although not of a religious bent I overdid the turn the other cheek and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt thing. If we keep acting like we just fell out of the sky into today or that we have to blank out the past, not only do we end up missing out on lots of valuable information and lessons that can help us to increase self-knowledge that helps us better navigate our journey through life, but we also end up having to forget the good too. Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). Hard pass! To her forgiveness meant her saying sorry (actually shouting at me, Im sorry, okay? Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. Sign up for free, and stay up to date on research advancements, health tips and current health topics, like COVID-19, plus expertise on managing health. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. ", "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at Ambrosia Treatment Center, told INSIDER. 20 days into NC and now he write me an apologetic mail saying he is ready to do anything to try and repair the damage he has done. Youre right, sometimes these rebounds are objectified but I did not mean to do so. Did we do anything to earn His forgiveness? He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. Do you think its mature behavior? After 14 months NC, including resisting polite invitations and helpful referrals (all phrased as though everything was honky dory between us), I broke NC via text randomly last month due to a clusterfuck practical circumstance. Perhaps thats wrong and Im inflexible or maybe too flexible with maintaining my borders, I dont know. To me forgiveness is not making some epic thing about how she wronged me and making her somehow see that. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? I am to a point responsible for my looks, my lefties opinions but I am not responsible for this town though I truly wish to change it to something that functions. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. Lets call sin by its name, shall we? Though part of me thinks, even if he didnt mean it, its a horrible thing to even say. Someone he doesnt have to fully invest in or commit to, regardless of the title he may give her. No mother its you. A stronger immune system. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. RFC I think you already have the information you need, he said he feels suffocated in a relationship and he wanted FWB. This post is really something to think about. Also, I think its hard to strike a balance between giving people the benefit of the doubt and being on the lookout for crap behavior. Do you think I am using the past bad situation to colour my impressions of this guy? There are other friends who understand but two who dont I feel so much better and less grudging, now that I am starting to appreciate the distance and time I have claimed for myself. Like a moth to a flame, I know exactly what its like to feel drawn to this type and if you can, find the strengthfly away fly away! This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here. It made me feel weak and pathetic. Stay up to date with what you want to know. Lol, Grace! Holy cow he just broke up with me 4 days prior you hope Im doing great???? Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that you're secretly harboring a grudge. Sparkle that video is really emotional to watch for me, having been where that woman was too. I think he may have acondition of sorts, he reminds me of the guys on Big Bang theory. I dont want to debate, only to understand what you mean. Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. Forgiveness facilitation in palliative care: A scoping review. So you do. If you're mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, that's another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. Either way, you really dont need to know how well hes doing (it could also just be an act. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. I was frightened of what people might say and looking like the bad one. and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. I really love BR. Too awkward whether its going well or going down the tubes. Thank you Allison it does feel good, I feel like I had lost a part of me but I am feeling contented and so much happier that I know I am finally getting there..thanks to BR and all the lovely posters who show so much support on here it just makes you so aware that you arent alone in what you are going through and it gives you the strength to deal with what the ex AC is trying to throw at you. I am definitely tempted to do this! you deserve the best! He told me this as tactfully and honestly as he could and Im still thinking, Oh, he doesnt really mean it. Glad you wrote me, so I can get real again. But I dont forget, so I just suck up the awkward icy cordial thing when I see his wife now. Of course I didnt get it because he knew he could control just from the promise of a crumb. ", You're all about fairness or want to make sure that they see your side of things, "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash, said. Great that you saw the light and are moving onwards and upwards! It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. How does one get past this with any modicum of forgetting and forgiving? Because really, what can you feel guilty about or worried what they (ACs) think? We get it all here. The recent comments from those of us whove given up (for now)arent because were pessimistic or bitter or whatever. This happened a few times several years ago. I told her she was already forgiven but that I still was leaving and wouldnt stay as a guest of someone who thinks that them being annoyed means they can slap me. ! Because it really isnt as easy as that. It took me a long time to finally break up with him and I dont think he likes that I have gone from strength to strength and that I am finally finding that woman I used to be and not the one I let him turn me into and I am really quite proud of myself for that . My thing now is, I feel I have to leave this relationship but I dont want to do anything to him that I would not want done to me. The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. Key points Holding a grudge is often, in part, an attempt to get the comfort and compassion one didn't get in the past. He also said woe to the person who harms one of these little ones. But it took that, and a revelation of a year old affair that he confessed to that finally made me step away.But I did it with emails seeking validation to which he replied saying sorry, but did not stop keeping in touch and hanging out everyday with 2 of my friends, one of them a woman. It breaks my heart a bit. I did a thing where I didnt make a scene about my anniversary, hoping people close to me would gather around without a script. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Lower blood pressure. A year of being single and not dating has changed my perspective of myself and what i am capable of. teachable- As you know and have counseled people for yearstheres no making sense of nonsense. No theological debates on here, God forbid. When we hold a grudge, we. I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. Pleasewe need to remember not to treat men we are dating and potentially hurt them in precisely the same ways which have brought so many of us to places of terrible pain, regret and confusion. I dont know if Im struggling with the definition of forgiveness (which is why I prefer a working definition as theres room for development) or if its the how. It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. I dont think he sounds like a good catch. Yeah, right. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. Forgiveness is an act of faith. I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. Its important that you listen to your gut. Grace, you were right it was big let down. hb```ia eah``l8#Cmw,N Sending love and hugs your way. Thought Id share it. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship. The frenetic-ness of it seems almost like anxiety. You are not doing that, you are just not willing to give her an opportunity to continue to her nastiness to you. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. Your temperamental styles and inability to negotiate conflict could be one reason why you are prone to keep grudges with friends or family. I was having a real rough time in my life a couple of years ago and attracted about 5 different personality disorder types into my life(including NPD). He keeps telling me that all these women texting him think hes an ass and laughs about it again. Allison, Thank you, yes I feel I am. Long time no talk. Toxic people, narcissists, and passive-aggressive people know they are hurtful. Finally I am single and learning to be alone regardless of how much I resisted this in the past. Somehow I found it preferable to have this idealized harmony than to exercise my stronger, more realistic side (which is most decidely alive and well).

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